


Alec Lightwood at Radio city

by Gayshipswithtea



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Comedy, Funny, Gen, Humour, John Mulaney References, Jokes, M/M, Skit, Stand Up, comedian - Freeform, comedy bit, don't ask me, idk - Freeform, impulse idea, john mulaney - Freeform, stand up comedian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayshipswithtea/pseuds/Gayshipswithtea
Summary: I rewrite John Mulaney bits to be relevant to Alec Lightwood
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love John Mulaney and Shadowhunters so It seemed like the best of both worlds.  
> All of this work is BASED off John Mulaney.

(Alec speaking)

And now the circle is a thing again! When I was a child the Circle was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. But there's new Circle members! I don't care for the circle, and you may quote me on that. The Circle "Oh, downworlders are the worst, and downworlders ruin everything, and downworlders take over your life-" like you know what Motherf***er? my Boyfriend is a downworlder. I know that how do you know all that?

I'm allowed to make fun of my Boyfriend, I asked him and he said yes. I asked him, "hey, we've been going out for a while," and he knew that. I said "do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage?" and my boyfriend goes  
"Um, yeah you can make fun of me. As long as you don't say that I'm a bitch and that you don't like me," I was like woah, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined, that's IT? 

Also I wouldn't say that, what kind of show would that even be? "Hello! My significant other is a bitch and I don't like them!" that's like a support group for men in crisis with keynote speaker Valentine Morgestern. 

I'm uhh, I'm very happily married now, my Husband is a downworlder and I was raised as a Shadowhunter which you could all tell from the moment I walked out. That's not a big deal, getting married if you're a Downworlder and a Shadowhunter. Only a couple of people asked about it and they were my parents. My mother asked me if Magnus was going to take on any traditions of clave. You're right to laugh. It's a stupid question. "Oh, I don't know, Mom, lemme go ask! Let me go see if a centuries old Warlock who doesn't like any of my suggestions would be okay with the traditions of... what was it again? 

The Clave?

How would I even have that conversation? What, do you come home with a brochure? "Hey, honey, allow me to tell you about an exciting n o t n e w organisation. 

Don't google us!

You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times, especially after sex and it was all forced on me at birth? Well what if you voluntarily signed up for it!" 


	2. 55 thousand hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of bits I could do this with and I love writing them, so here you go

Guys my age I hear them say this, they say (imitates Jace) "Every day I think I'm becoming more like my Dad," I think I'm becoming more like my Mom. I was just hanging out after we had brought this guy in to ask him some stuff, and Izzy said, "They're interrogating the man we brought in,"  
Out loud I said "Ugh, this out to be good," That's pure Mom. 

My parents are both Shadowhunters, they were both Shadowhunters. And sometimes they would be like Shadowhunters with us when we were ust kids. I remember one time my Dad came in and said "Goodnight, Alec, did you brush your teeth?" and I said yes. But here's the thing. I hadn't. But who cares, I didn't have, like, a job interiew or anything! So my Dad comes back in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush. He says "John, is this your toothrush?" and I said yes. So he said "So we agree by the angel that this is your toothbrush." 

He said, "Alec, this toothbrush is bone dry," like he looked down and he said B o n e d r y. He said, "You lied to me!" and I said  
"Dad, If under the influence of the soul sword I would have said the same thing. I said I had brushed my teeth, I never specified if I had brushed them today, and if the cour Silent Brother could confirm my remarks you'll see I did not."

My Mom is also a Shadowhunter, she was a different ind of Shadowhunter when we were kids. She would just do wild stuff all day long and wait for something to stick. My Mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.

I was approached by the Clave, wich is always fun, cus Mail, you know? I opened up the letter and they said "Hey Alec, It's the clave, remember?" so I say yes of course. And then they said how did they phrase it? They said "WORK OVERTIME! AS A FAVOUR! WE WANT A LEADER! but only if t's YOU!" 

I found this peculiar. Because you see what had happened was that for the first two decades of my life I had been training and working for them. It was about 8 to ten hours a day*, every day for years. I don't remeber exactly how long it was but rounding up let's say it was about 55 thousand hours. So roughly speaking, I had spent on the Clave about 55 thousand hours. So you could say that I had already given them FIFTY FIVE THOUSAND HOURS and now they have the AUDACITY? To ask me for more time? What kind of a clingy partner is the Clave, You wante me BACK already?! I gave you more years of my life than the civil war spent and you f***ing want more already? 

Fifty five thousand hours. And I have colleagues that think it's nice and they say "Oh I think this is a wonderful opportunity, I would definitely take it," and it's like look, if after all you've been through you still respect the Clave, then the Clave is a 55 thousand hours you spent with your professor at college and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. 

In their letter they were like "Hey, it's been a while since you showed us interest!" I was like hey, it's been a while since you've housed and taught me. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you 55 thousand hours and you gave me like a weird church room, with a mural on the wall, and the first real heartbreak of my life, and probably several diseases and then we called it a day! 

Also, what did I get for my 55 thousand hours? What is an institute? Stop going! until we figure it out. I work for the Clave I was a child in pyjamas all confused. They were like "Hey son, do the right thing! Put in the effort and you'll be a real shadowhunter."

Working for the Clave is like a decades long game show called "Are my friends evil? Or do I just need to go to sleep?" But instea of winning, you lose 55 thousand hours. I spent 55 thousand hours with someone telling me to go marry some woman and then I didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *idk  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Wedding planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec talks about the weird world of Wedding Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all of this is going to fit with the actual plot I apologise. This is Ed Byrne, not John Mulaney btw.

I love it, I think being married is great! I don't know if you find this, but people confer more respect on your relationship when you're married. Do you know what I mean?  
People are like, "Your boyfriend seems nice,"  
"Actually, that's my husband,"  
"Oh, sorry, I won't check him out again,"

It's like being treated like a grown up. "Are you ready to order now, sir?"  
"Actually I'm just waiting for my husband,"  
"Ooo. Perhaps you'd like to see the wine list?"  
There's loads of things I love about being married: I love the ring, I love the title of husbands and I think my favourite thing about being married is not having to plan any more poxy weddings. That's great. I wake up and go "Ah, no wedding planning to do today!" Ain't married life grand. Because I basically spent multiple years of my life arguing about stuff I didn't give a toss about. 

You have to deal with wedding people as well. Wedding people with the best will in the world are arseholes. People who work in the wedding industry, also, did any of you find this? They're all so determined their corner of the weding is the most important part of the process- they can't all be that important! For my first wedding we were being shown around a venue by my mother and she said "You have to think about these things! You have to think about whether your wedding is adequately reflecting you as a couple."  
You're my mother but if you were any other person you would need to think about whether your face would adequately deflect a seraph blade because you're annoying both of us right now. Some cartoon violence is gonna go down pretty soon. 

It's not that difficult, it's not rocket science, it's very simple, really. Four simple rules: feed them, water them, don't get engaged to Lydia Branwell and make sure you don't kiss the high warlock of Brookyln on the lips in front of your entire family and the clave, and for my wedding, two out of four will do. 

Second time around we went to a wedding fair. I only went to the one. It's a bit like Idris, "YOU WOULN'T UNDERSTAND, you weren't there, man! You weren't there!" I went to a wedding fair, it was held a- obviously he went as well, I didn't go on my own. Very rare you see someone on their own at a wedding fair. "What a shame they didn't come, they would have loved this!" I give that marriage two weeks. 

We had some invite people there. Who we did not end up using. For the simple fact of how much they wanted to charge us to invite 150 people to a wedding. We were quoted for a wedding 150 people were coming to, we got quoted for invites, £1700. 

(intake of breath from audience)

I love that sound. I love that sound you just made. I wish the guy was here now to hear you all make that sound. "Tell them how much you wanted to charge us for invites. Tell them! Did you hear that?! Did you hear how you were almost sucked into a portal made by that sound? 

Now piss off. 

£1700! Are you high? Has a vampire been drinking your own blood? Thats enough to catch a flight back to edom where you come from, invite man! 

I could imagine the conversation. Particularly between me and my parabatai. Me saying "yeah, the weddings on this date, can you make it? You can, brilliant, listen, give us your adress so I can send you an invite. You were there when we were engaged? Does this not count as an invite? Well you'd think wouldn't you. Here's the problem, Jace. The wedding is currently running under budget around £1700," 

Did the wedding list as well, that a curious tradition, isn't it? The wedding list. Don't use your imagination, we are spoiled little children and these are the things we want. Buy us these, please! And at first I got into it, thought it would be quite cool. There are some things that don't go on a wedding list. Bow and arrow does not go on a wedding list. Or it does go on the wedding list, but it will have mysteriously disappeared from the list the next time you go to check the list. Replaced with something called a tureen. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm pretty sure I can't kill things with it. 

We could have had anything we wanted and all we asked for was stuff like steles, plates, cups. Stuff we already had! We hadn't been drinking out of our hands for the last two and a half years! "Want a cocktail? Cold today, huh? Seriously, Magnus, we have got to get marriend this is bulls***." The other thing, we already had steles and plates and cups and supplies, but now we had to get even fancier steles and plates and cups and supplies. For all the downworld dignitry we'll be entertaining now that we're married. All those ambassadors who didn't want to come to the house when we were living in sin. For fear of besmirching their political reputation. (imitates Seelies queen) "Oh, are they married now? bring on the cabinet meeting!"

Of course your other option in all of this madness is to get yourself a sister. Which is the wedding equivalent of cutting your losses. Rather than dealing with different arseholes of varying elevels of arseholery, you get yourself someone who has been mildly annoying you for over twenty years. And a sister's job is to counteract your parents. Whose job is to ensure that any celebration is the most stressful thing that ever happens to you. The clarion cry is always "It's the happiest/ most important day of your life." 

My sister would say "OOH it's the happiest day of your life, you don't want to scrimp on the happiest day of your life! You don't want to look back and say we should have done that differently! Not on the happiest day of your life! All the little details are really gonna matter on the happiest day of your life!" I think surely, If there's one day where the little details don't matter it's the happiest day of your life. If ever there's gonna be a day when I'm just going to let stuff slide... it's a day I'm distacted by how ecstatically happy I am. It's the happiest day of my life, I can't believe It's finally here! But his tie doesn't match her shoes, I'm going home. It's the happiest day of my life! I've found him. I've found the one person I love more than I ever even thought was possible to love another person and I'm standing up in front of the people he likes best and the people he likes best of the people I know...

It's a happy day! On a really happy day, the little details don't matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original video: Ed Byrne on Weddings, live at the Apollo.  
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! :-)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos would be much appreciated.


End file.
